It seems interestingly odd to me that one of my last posts was about the FirstBorn being in big trouble...and we find ourselves there again. I got notification via FaceBook of all things, that the boy is now in jail. I am waiting to hear from Beth, the adoptive mother, sometimes this morning for all the details.
It's so hard to think that someone that I had a hand in creating has found his way to so much trouble. I mean, not to say that I blame Beth at all - or even that I am remotely close to perfection as far as parenting goes. Ask my 4 year old and he will give you a dissertation on how I am not the best mommy. It's just that I am not a bad person and his birth father, though he has been in trouble himself a time or two, is not a bad person. I just can't wrap my head around how all of this has happened. Don't get me wrong - it may appear that I think that FirstBorn is a bad person - that is definitely not the case. I just can't figure out what has happened to him to have had his life turn out the way it has. His adoptive parents have been loving and nurturing caretakers - people that I would have loved to have had as parents myself.
So the question is - what can happen to a person to make their life turn completely in the wrong direction. I watch Intervention on a regular basis and 9 times out of 10 there is some devastating event that takes place that is the trigger for their addiction. Could that be the same for FirstBorn? What was the trigger - the thing that brought on the darkness? Was it me, my decision to put him up for adoption? Was it something that he might have done in his head with that information? I know that I have a propensity to over-analyze almost every interaction that I have with people in my life - actually keeps me from getting to sleep some nights. Could my decision have broken him in some way?
My heart hurts.